I had skewed perceptions of love. Love was when you gave until there was nothing left. Love was when you bend and break for them. Love was when your life revolved around them and you started to lose yourself. Well, after a while of bending and breaking, I realised that might not be entirely true.

One quote stuck with me: “Fill your own cup before you fill someone else’s, and keep it full.” I have a habit of losing myself in someone else’s love. So when the existence of that someone starts to shake, I spiral. My cup was always half full. To me, love had to feel consuming—often at my own expense. But I started to question if it was really love, or just attachment.

Over the course of years, and with a lot of tears, I learned that the only person you have to love is yourself. I am still figuring out what that means. How do I love myself? So I tried to reverse-engineer it. What do I do for the person I love? What am I like with them?

I am patient and understanding, almost like I’m taking care of a baby. I am slow to judge, and my smiles come easily. I let them know I care about them often, through both words and actions—telling them I love them, that I care, that I am proud of them. I make warm meals for them and become their pillar of support when they are going through a tough time, being gentle with them. If they are down, I try to make them smile. If they are hard on themselves, I would hold their face and shower them with compliments—reminding them how good of a person they are. Being mean to them is the last thing on my mind.

So when it comes to myself, what am I like?

In hindsight, I was always very cynical toward myself. Things I would never say to a stranger sounded fair when I said them to myself. I was always harsh whenever I fell short of my own expectations. Being patient and understanding of my own weaknesses? That wasn’t an option. Pair that with procrastination, and it’s a disaster.

I thought self-love was simply about enforcing boundaries with others. Yes, of course, that is important—but being gentle with yourself is equally important too. I am still learning that. I can be too harsh on myself sometimes, and I realised that’s just being mean to myself—and that’s not how I would love someone. So why would I do that to myself? I still do it quite often; I can’t unlearn a habit overnight, after all. It takes conscious effort and soft parenting of myself to stop being cynical about my own behaviour or mistakes.

It’s slightly better now. I am a lot more patient with myself. I laugh and just shake my head when I make small, silly mistakes—like a mother would with her child. I take my time taking care of myself. I try to eat better so my body feels healthier, but I still reward myself with desserts every now and then. I exercise so that I feel more confident in my own body. For this, however, I realised I had been taking it too far. I would feel guilty whenever I stopped exercising because I wasn’t feeling well. It became unhealthy at some point. I was exercising to be healthy and fit, but somehow, I was hurting my own body in the process. So now, I am learning to rest when my body tells me I’m not well, instead of pushing myself to the point of nausea.

After all, I would tell my loved ones to rest if they aren’t well—not scold them or make them feel guilty for skipping a few days of exercise to recover. I am slowly realising what self-love looks like.

Self-love is when you aren’t hesitant to cut people off when they disrespect you or make you feel small. I used to give people the benefit of the doubt, but now I realise not everybody deserves that. On the other side of that, self-love is also about keeping your good friends close—nurturing them, taking care of them, being there for them, and allowing them to be there for you too.

Self-love is when you aren’t afraid to speak your truth, even if you know it’s going to disappoint some people. It’s having the courage and strength to let those who can’t accept your truth walk away—and knowing that you still have your own back. In my book, that’s the ultimate form of self-love. It’s when you allow yourself to take up space and shine, without feeling the need to shrink to accommodate others. It’s when you are unapologetically yourself. This, I am still working on—and hopefully, I’ll get there soon. Baby steps.

Self-love is when you allow other people to love you just as much as you love them and yourself, because you know you deserve that love. It’s when you allow yourself to be open and soft with others, without withholding your love—simply because you have faith in yourself. It’s also knowing when to walk away when your softness is taken advantage of.

I’m sure I will have more to add to this as life goes on. This might just become my little ongoing diary.